Below is the beginning of how a new life started for me in 1995. I tried to write it from the viewpoints I was having at the time. I wrote this on a Facebook note a few months ago, so I figured, “Why not put it here?”
The lyrics I heard in Pearl Jam’s Release song may not be the correct lyrics, but what’s important is what I thought I heard.
You can listen to the song here. You might want to start playing the song while reading:
Release
Enjoy…..
It’s coming in now. Subtle. Quick. Another awakening. Already awake. Things make sense again. Even the Datsun dashboard makes perfect sense. The music in the car CD player is guiding us through these San Diego streets. It’s our theme. I’m free to imagine. I’m free to ignore my friends. John and Lisa in the back seat – who cares what they might be talking about or doing? Jeff is letting his hands and feet drive the car. I seek. I always seek. It’s cool and amazing to experience being aware of multiple events at once, but that’s not my goal. I don’t simply want the experience any more. I’m seeking for truth. I always figure out new truths while tripping on acid. Last time, I saw that you are god. The car is god. I am god. We are god.
Pearl Jam CD is our theme. His humming is resonating behind the guitar fingering. Filling the air. Filling me.
“Oooooh. I see the world.”
There’s another presence along with these words. It feels like my words, but also someone else’s words and that person intends something else.
“Feel the chill.”
I do. I’m being shown something.
“Which way to go. Windowsill.”
I don’t have anywhere to go. I’m watching life and experiencing it, looking out my window eyes.
“I see the world on a rocking horse of time.”
Yes. Everything goes back and forth. We aren’t going anywhere.
“I see the birds and the rain.”
I do, too. You sound familiar. I read about someone who sees even a sparrow’s death and who sends rain on the good and evil.
“oooooooooooh”
“ooooooooooooh”
“oooooooooooh”
“ooooooooooh”
I feel your emotion in that voice.
“I’m your dad. Can you see me now?”
I do. I’m speechless. God, are you really talking to me?
“I am myself. Like you, somehow. I ride the wave where it takes meeeeeeee. I hold the pain. Release me!!!!!! Ooooooooooooh.”
These are my words. I ride life. It happens. I go with it.
“I’m your dad. Can you see me now? I am myself. Like you, somehow. I wait up in the dark for you to speak to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
I never realized, God. I see all those nights in bed, just me closing my eyes, never speaking to you. I imagined you forgot about me. I thought you hated me. I misunderstood everything.
“Now I’ve opened up. Release meeeeeee! Release meeeeeee!”
I don’t hear Eddie Vedder. I hear you, God.
The music is in the background. I see Jesus, but not with my eyes – more like a memory, but happening now. He’s shouting at me and crying at the same time, “You clean the outside of your cup while the inside is filthy.”
Jesus, I’m sorry I misunderstood. I always thought you were mean and pointed down on all of us. I see your love! I see your death on the cross! You are real! You’re alive and begging me to speak to you. I’m here. Forgive me, Lord!!!! Give me your Holy Spirit! I understand now. You really gave your life for me!
Gone.
The emotional drama between me and God just vanished. It’s as if He felt happy all of a sudden.
“Fab, do you have the light?” John spoke from the back seat. He wants to smoke a cigarette.
“Huh? What?” I turn and see John, but it looks like someone else is talking through him. “I don’t know. Do I?” I ask the angel talking through John.
John and Jeff laugh. “He doesn’t know that he has the light!” The angels are now speaking through both John and Jeff. I see them. But I see that Jeff and John mean one thing while the angels are secretly talking to and about me through Jeff and John.
“Pull over! Stop talking! You guys have no idea what you’re saying! I need to put something else on my mind.” Jeff and John are still laughing, but Jeff still pulls over for my sake. I pull the lighter out of my pocket and give it to John. We light up our Newports and play hacky sack.
John kicks the sack and I see it rolling down the street. “I’ll get it.” I run, but not after the sack. I need to get away from everyone. What does all this mean? I found the answer. I found God. He found His way to me. It’s over.
Running.
The curtains will roll up when I turn the corner. I’ll enter the light and go home to my Father and Savior.
I turn the corner. More houses. Nothing is vanishing. It won’t. I need to get back to reality. I can’t run forever. I still have to get back to base. I’m still on earth. I’m still in the Marine Corps. I still have friends. Nothing really changed.
I turn back, a little disheartened. It was just the acid. Soon the trip will end and all this will just be a memory. I didn’t just hear God’s voice. Jesus wasn’t crying. Well, it all felt so real.
“I couldn’t find it,” I said, speaking of the hacky sack.
“We got it. It was right here.”
John and Jeff were John and Jeff. No more angels. Lisa still was Lisa. She never was an angel.
–The next night—
No alcohol… yet. No drugs… yet.
“Let’s stop here for Mexican food,” John says to Jeff. It’s a two story strip mall. Jeff pulls into the parking lot. Jeff, John and Lisa head up to the Mexican restaurant.
“I’ll be right up. I’m gonna check out this bead store. I wanna make a necklace for my mom.” San Diego has plenty of hippy-like culture.
So many beads to choose from. I choose a wide variety for what will be an awesome necklace for her. I leave the store and head toward the stairs. I can see a decent sized crowd at the top of the stairs. Avoid any fights. I hear rock music coming from the store they are in front of. I notice a couple of the people glance over at me. I keep my eyes from staring at anyone and quickly head to the Mexican restaurant.
“Where’s Jeff?”
“He went to go see what the music was about,” John responds.
“Fab!!” Jeff just popped out of that weird music place. “Fab! Come here! You’ll like this place.”
I can tell he’s trying to suck me into something I really won’t enjoy. “No, that’s alright. I’m fine, thanks.”
“No, for real, Fab. Come on!”
He has a grin on his face and I suspect he’s up to something. Against my instinct, I go.
As I near the doorway, I feel a stirring. I remember last night. I feel that presence again! No! It’s too scary. I feel the angels. I feel as though they are excited and pulling me the same way Jeff just acted, “Come on! You need this!”
I can’t resist. I’m scared, but I walk into the door. It’s a small room filled with people singing – wait, not people – angels singing. I can see it in their faces. They all know God. They are singing songs to Jesus and it’s powerful! This is a staged setup from God! There’s a band playing the music, but it’s not just the band singing. Everyone is singing with their entire bodies and souls. Oh God, last night was real.
I attempt to clap to the music. I can’t. I don’t feel it. I don’t see God the same way these angels do. Me and God had a huge moment last night. Surely, one of these angels will approach me, knowing what happened last night.
Nothing.
Nothing.
This is upsetting.
This is scary.
I’m alone, as always.
No. Don’t cry. Be tough. It hurts. Why is my lip curling? My throat hurts. I’m choking up.
Tears drip. I shake as I resist the river. It’s too strong. I cover my face with my hands.
The trickle becomes a flow. I bend over and weep bitterly. “God don’t leave me alone.”
A man came and hugged me. “Let it all out, brother.”
I’m bawling now, but I have permission and it feels good. I feel a big brotherly love filling me as my emptiness pours out.
I’m sorry I hated you, God. I’m sorry for hurting my family, God. I’m sorry I judged you.
My tears are refreshing. I’m being cleaned. I’m being given life. A new presence fills and surrounds me.
“What’s your name?” asked the angel hugging me.
“Fab,” I murmured through the tears. I attempt to stand, but the tears keep me bent over. There’s an abundant amount of death to weep away.
“What’s your name?” The man repeated his question.
“Fab.” The music is loud.
“I’m sorry. What did you say your name was?” This man knows God. Why doesn’t God just tell him my name?
I can stand up now. I have no more tears.
“My name’s Fab – short for Fabio.”
“Hi, Fabio. I’m David.” David’s bearded face is beaming with a radiant and familiar smile. “Fabio, do you know Jesus Christ?”
I look around. I can almost see a new Spirit filling and surrounding me. I can almost hear His voice. Is this Jesus?
“I.. I.. I think so. If this… If this is Jesus, then yes. I know Him. Last night, I uh… I asked Him for His Holy Spirit.”
“Fabio, don’t be afraid. Do what the Spirit tells you.”
I can see myself dropping to my knees and shouting to God. It makes me think of things I read about in Psalms. I remember Jeff and John and my life. “That’s crazy,” I thought. I resisted the Spirit and felt afraid. A tinge of guilt hits me, so I run out the door to escape. I don’t want to lose myself to a giant, unknown force.
I haste back to the Mexican restaurant. I’m new. I’m full. I’m alive. There’s a new presence within me, trying to guide me. I resist. I feel some guilt. To make up for my resistance, I tell John and Lisa to go in there.
“Guys! Jesus is alive! He’s real. Go in there. His Spirit’s there!”