You are good. You are good
When there’s nothing good in me.
You are love. You are love
On display for all to see.

You are light. You are light
When the darkness closes in.
You are hope, you are hope
You have covered all my sin.

That gift came at a high cost. Dan and Annette’s daughter, Ellen Crooke, died in the hospital after a week of being in a deep coma.

Hands lifted up at the memorial service, mother and father sing:

You are peace. You are peace
When my fear is crippling.
You are true. You are true
Even in my wandering.

You are joy. You are joy.
You’re the reason that I sing.
You are life. You are life.
In you death has lost its sting.

Oh, I’m running to your arms.
I’m running to your arms.
The riches of your love will always be enough.
Nothing compares to your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.

I’m not sure how many people were singing this without any tears. Ethan, one of Ellen’s older brothers, later boldly spoke to the entire congregation about how there is only one way to have peace with God, through Jesus.

How does one thank God for everything (Ephesians 5:20) when losses like this happen?

It’s not over yet. If we keep watching, we’ll see how God brings it all together. I’m not naive to think that the Crookes are happy and full of joy, forgetting about Ellen because now she’s in heaven. No, they still have much grieving to do. I continue to pray for Dan and Annette – that God will give them the time to grieve and to protect them from the doubts and guilt they may encounter. The questions will always linger. I know the feelings and questions I’d have.

“Was it my fault?”

“Was it the devil?”

Even the dark, secret guilt that I’d feel after having a sense of relief, just for a moment, when she died. “No more suffering. She’s in a better place. It’s better to die than to live in pain and brain damaged on life support.” It’s a natural thought to have, but it so easily turns to guilt for even crossing your mind.

The Holy Spirit was overwhelmingly present in the memorial service. I’ve never been to one that I left wishing I had invited all my friends. My prayer is that more people were added to the kingdom through this.

You may feel alone, but God is with you through everything. He carries your sins and pain and nails it all to the cross. He is alive and simply says, “Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” (Revelation 3:20 NLT). I am speaking from experience. All it took was one honest moment 16 years ago of me asking Jesus to forgive me and to give me His Holy Spirit. I had no idea what a powerful request that was until the Holy Spirit revealed Himself to me the next night and brought me to tears, showing me a love I had never experienced and making me into a new person.

Jesus says in Luke 11:13, “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him.”

Simply ask. You will see God.

The lyrics I heard in Pearl Jam’s Release song may not be the correct lyrics, but what’s important is what I thought I heard.

You can listen to the song here. You might want to start playing the song while reading:
Release

Enjoy…..
It’s coming in now. Subtle. Quick. Another awakening. Already awake. Things make sense again. Even the Datsun dashboard makes perfect sense. The music in the car CD player is guiding us through these San Diego streets. It’s our theme. I’m free to imagine. I’m free to ignore my friends. John and Lisa in the back seat – who cares what they might be talking about or doing? Jeff is letting his hands and feet drive the car. I seek. I always seek. It’s cool and amazing to experience being aware of multiple events at once, but that’s not my goal. I don’t simply want the experience any more. I’m seeking for truth. I always figure out new truths while tripping on acid. Last time, I saw that you are god. The car is god. I am god. We are god.

Pearl Jam CD is our theme. His humming is resonating behind the guitar fingering. Filling the air. Filling me.

“Oooooh. I see the world.”

There’s another presence along with these words. It feels like my words, but also someone else’s words and that person intends something else.

“Feel the chill.”

I do. I’m being shown something.
“Which way to go. Windowsill.”

I don’t have anywhere to go. I’m watching life and experiencing it, looking out my window eyes.

“I see the world on a rocking horse of time.”

Yes. Everything goes back and forth. We aren’t going anywhere.

“I see the birds and the rain.”

I do, too. You sound familiar. I read about someone who sees even a sparrow’s death and who sends rain on the good and evil.

“oooooooooooh”

“ooooooooooooh”

“oooooooooooh”

“ooooooooooh”

I feel your emotion in that voice.

“I’m your dad. Can you see me now?”

I do. I’m speechless. God, are you really talking to me?

“I am myself. Like you, somehow. I ride the wave where it takes meeeeeeee. I hold the pain. Release me!!!!!! Ooooooooooooh.”

These are my words. I ride life. It happens. I go with it.

“I’m your dad. Can you see me now? I am myself. Like you, somehow. I wait up in the dark for you to speak to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

I never realized, God. I see all those nights in bed, just me closing my eyes, never speaking to you. I imagined you forgot about me. I thought you hated me. I misunderstood everything.

“Now I’ve opened up. Release meeeeeee! Release meeeeeee!”

I don’t hear Eddie Vedder. I hear you, God.

The music is in the background. I see Jesus, but not with my eyes – more like a memory, but happening now. He’s shouting at me and crying at the same time, “You clean the outside of your cup while the inside is filthy.”

Jesus, I’m sorry I misunderstood. I always thought you were mean and pointed down on all of us. I see your love! I see your death on the cross! You are real! You’re alive and begging me to speak to you. I’m here. Forgive me, Lord!!!! Give me your Holy Spirit! I understand now. You really gave your life for me!

Gone.

The emotional drama between me and God just vanished. It’s as if He felt happy all of a sudden.

“Fab, do you have the light?” John spoke from the back seat. He wants to smoke a cigarette.

“Huh? What?” I turn and see John, but it looks like someone else is talking through him. “I don’t know. Do I?” I ask the angel talking through John.

John and Jeff laugh. “He doesn’t know that he has the light!” The angels are now speaking through both John and Jeff. I see them. But I see that Jeff and John mean one thing while the angels are secretly talking to and about me through Jeff and John.

“Pull over! Stop talking! You guys have no idea what you’re saying! I need to put something else on my mind.” Jeff and John are still laughing, but Jeff still pulls over for my sake. I pull the lighter out of my pocket and give it to John. We light up our Newports and play hacky sack.

John kicks the sack and I see it rolling down the street. “I’ll get it.” I run, but not after the sack. I need to get away from everyone. What does all this mean? I found the answer. I found God. He found His way to me. It’s over.

Running.

The curtains will roll up when I turn the corner. I’ll enter the light and go home to my Father and Savior.

I turn the corner. More houses. Nothing is vanishing. It won’t. I need to get back to reality. I can’t run forever. I still have to get back to base. I’m still on earth. I’m still in the Marine Corps. I still have friends. Nothing really changed.

I turn back, a little disheartened. It was just the acid. Soon the trip will end and all this will just be a memory. I didn’t just hear God’s voice. Jesus wasn’t crying. Well, it all felt so real.

“I couldn’t find it,” I said, speaking of the hacky sack.

“We got it. It was right here.”

John and Jeff were John and Jeff. No more angels. Lisa still was Lisa. She never was an angel.

–The next night—

No alcohol… yet. No drugs… yet.

“Let’s stop here for Mexican food,” John says to Jeff. It’s a two story strip mall. Jeff pulls into the parking lot. Jeff, John and Lisa head up to the Mexican restaurant.

“I’ll be right up. I’m gonna check out this bead store. I wanna make a necklace for my mom.” San Diego has plenty of hippy-like culture.

So many beads to choose from. I choose a wide variety for what will be an awesome necklace for her. I leave the store and head toward the stairs. I can see a decent sized crowd at the top of the stairs. Avoid any fights. I hear rock music coming from the store they are in front of. I notice a couple of the people glance over at me. I keep my eyes from staring at anyone and quickly head to the Mexican restaurant.

“Where’s Jeff?”

“He went to go see what the music was about,” John responds.

“Fab!!” Jeff just popped out of that weird music place. “Fab! Come here! You’ll like this place.”

I can tell he’s trying to suck me into something I really won’t enjoy. “No, that’s alright. I’m fine, thanks.”

“No, for real, Fab. Come on!”

He has a grin on his face and I suspect he’s up to something. Against my instinct, I go.

As I near the doorway, I feel a stirring. I remember last night. I feel that presence again! No! It’s too scary. I feel the angels. I feel as though they are excited and pulling me the same way Jeff just acted, “Come on! You need this!”

I can’t resist. I’m scared, but I walk into the door. It’s a small room filled with people singing – wait, not people – angels singing. I can see it in their faces. They all know God. They are singing songs to Jesus and it’s powerful! This is a staged setup from God! There’s a band playing the music, but it’s not just the band singing. Everyone is singing with their entire bodies and souls. Oh God, last night was real.

I attempt to clap to the music. I can’t. I don’t feel it. I don’t see God the same way these angels do. Me and God had a huge moment last night. Surely, one of these angels will approach me, knowing what happened last night.

Nothing.

Nothing.

This is upsetting.

This is scary.

I’m alone, as always.

No. Don’t cry. Be tough. It hurts. Why is my lip curling? My throat hurts. I’m choking up.

Tears drip. I shake as I resist the river. It’s too strong. I cover my face with my hands.

The trickle becomes a flow. I bend over and weep bitterly. “God don’t leave me alone.”

A man came and hugged me. “Let it all out, brother.”

I’m bawling now, but I have permission and it feels good. I feel a big brotherly love filling me as my emptiness pours out.

I’m sorry I hated you, God. I’m sorry for hurting my family, God. I’m sorry I judged you.

My tears are refreshing. I’m being cleaned. I’m being given life. A new presence fills and surrounds me.

“What’s your name?” asked the angel hugging me.

“Fab,” I murmured through the tears. I attempt to stand, but the tears keep me bent over. There’s an abundant amount of death to weep away.

“What’s your name?” The man repeated his question.

“Fab.” The music is loud.

“I’m sorry. What did you say your name was?” This man knows God. Why doesn’t God just tell him my name?

I can stand up now. I have no more tears.

“My name’s Fab – short for Fabio.”

“Hi, Fabio. I’m David.” David’s bearded face is beaming with a radiant and familiar smile. “Fabio, do you know Jesus Christ?”

I look around. I can almost see a new Spirit filling and surrounding me. I can almost hear His voice. Is this Jesus?

“I.. I.. I think so. If this… If this is Jesus, then yes. I know Him. Last night, I uh… I asked Him for His Holy Spirit.”

“Fabio, don’t be afraid. Do what the Spirit tells you.”

I can see myself dropping to my knees and shouting to God. It makes me think of things I read about in Psalms. I remember Jeff and John and my life. “That’s crazy,” I thought. I resisted the Spirit and felt afraid. A tinge of guilt hits me, so I run out the door to escape. I don’t want to lose myself to a giant, unknown force.

I haste back to the Mexican restaurant. I’m new. I’m full. I’m alive. There’s a new presence within me, trying to guide me. I resist. I feel some guilt. To make up for my resistance, I tell John and Lisa to go in there.

“Guys! Jesus is alive! He’s real. Go in there. His Spirit’s there!”

George did many other things and there are plenty of things I don’t remember. I grew up with many evil thoughts and assumed God hated me. When God revealed Himself to me when I was 19, I became a new person. I’m forgiven because of the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross. His Spirit cleansed my heart and gave me an enormous peace.

I often pray for George. I have no idea where he is, but I wish I could see him so that I could tell him that Jesus loves him. Jesus willingly became whatever ugliness our hearts cling to and that ugliness was beaten, tortured and nailed to a cross to die. Jesus rose from the dead to prove that this world is not the only world.

I forgive you for whatever you have done to me. God bless you. You were a big part of forming who I became in life, but God played a bigger role. He is using it to demonstrate to what depths His love will go. I know that what I went through is nothing compared with many other people in the world. It was very difficult for me and I am still affected by your actions. But the bad is nothing compared to the great good that I experience in Jesus and nowhere near as bad as the good that will one day be. Jesus is not a fairy tale. He is real. His Spirit really changes hearts. God bless you, George.

~ Fabio Mir II

And a big happy birthday to my wonderful wife, Glaucia!!

I like the idea of just dedicating a month to one thing. Now I’ll have to see how well I keep up with editing this thing and making it worthy of something to be read by other people. This last week about killed me. I took a couple days off from writing because I just couldn’t think of much to write and I just didn’t feel like filling in some details in some spots. I figure the details will be part of my editing process.

All I gotta say about this process is that just writing some stories and tying them together seems to be the way to go with this. Also, having an idea of a story line before hand probably would have helped me along. I just winged it the whole month, randomly coming up with characters, events, locations, and dialogs as I went along. Some parts of the story left me bothered the next day after writing it, because I wrote about some characters that got me upset. It was crazy writing about a person, then creating a new sibling for them instantly and slightly borrowing from my life story, but drastically changing things and tying it into a fictional life that appeared on the computer screen as I typed.

For now, I’ll give you a little excerpt:

“Jake! What’s going on? Stop! What are you doing?” Geoff began screaming and hitting Jake. Jake kind of woke up from his slumber and saw the girl under him. He started to smile at the girl he was just with and was about to kiss her when Geoff continued his screaming. “Jake! What are you doing? Why isn’t she moving?”

Jake was starting to feel a little better about his situation. He knew Geoff was a good friend, but he never imagined Geoff to go this far with him. He was willing to truly apply all the logic he spoke about to his real life. Until now, Jake’s logic was only theory. Now he was given a chance to apply it to a very real and authentic life situation. Jake agreed that it was best for the world to only lose one person that night instead of two. Jake in jail is not a good situation for the world. Jake would just make sure that he never drank again and would not be able to kill someone like that again.

Here’s the quote that got me:

Global output was contracting at pace not seen since the 1930s. Trade was plummeting. Jobs were disappearing rapidly. Our people worried that the world was on the edge of a depression.

On the surface, nothing is shocking about that statement. But when you realize that the people writing this and discussing this were probably some of the most intelligent people in the world, it sounds a bit funny. They weren’t worried about a depression! A depression is supposed to come because that’s what comes after a time of prosperity. So they weren’t surprised about this financial panic. And this is what they say about themselves:

Our forceful response helped stop the dangerous, sharp decline in global activity and stabilize financial markets. Industrial output is now rising in nearly all our economies. International trade is starting to recover. Our financial institutions are raising needed capital, financial markets are showing a willingness to invest and lend, and confidence has improved.

They avoided the coming depression for now only to have a worse one come on us later – probably in just a few years. There’s always a reason, so I can only wonder what the reasons are. Think of yourself as a little part of a giant mess called humanity. Humanity is screwed up. Humanity, without guidance, will be directionless and useless. These smart people at the top know our greed and know how we’ll act as a whole when loans are offered and interest rates are low. They know that we’ll just get ourselves right back into debt, which is what drives “growth.” That’s how they avoided the depression. A depression is a time where we are supposed to learn how to live within our means. Instead of a depression, they offered the loans and we fell for it once again. Only this time, there is no way to get the rates lower. So the next crash will come and there won’t be a way to avoid it. It’ll happen probably in less than five years this time and it’ll be nuts.

Just to show you that none of this is new and it wasn’t new in 1929 either, here’s a newspaper article from January 4, 1902. That’s right. It’s from over 100 years ago. It has a reprint of a speech made in 1897 called, “Panics and Booms.” You’ll see that financial panics have happened five times in the 1800′s!

Here are a couple of quotes. Remember, this was said in 1897:

This rule also applies to people dealing in real estate. The country is growing; money is easy; the times are good; business is prosperous and therefore speculation is favored. A man worth $5000 can buy four times that amount of property by using his credit, and sometimes he buys ten times that amount or more. While prices are advancing he not only gets the benefits of the advance in the price of the property represented by the capital furnished by himself, but also on the capital furnished by his credit.

Sounds a little like what was happening just prior to this “financial crisis.” And then what happens after the credit boom? Check it:

When the people arrive at a point where their credit limit is reached there is necessarily a decrease in the demand for goods and property, and soon the supply becomes greater than the demand and prices begin to decline. This stops speculation. Thousands of people engaged in manufacturing or producing articles of general use are thus thrown out of employment, and this causes a still further decrease in the demand for goods, and hence a further decline in prices. Those who have purchased on credit find themselves subjected to heavy losses because they are compelled to sustain the depreciation on goods they do not own — that is, goods bought on credit. Because of this decrease in valuations all are compelled to economize in order to adjust their expenses to the new order of things, they being compelled to pay off the accumulated indebtedness with the decreased income. This economy of the masses still further decreases the demand for goods and property and this still further increases the supply over the demand and decreases the prices, throwing more people out of employment and increasing the depressed condition of business.

Sounds like what happened over the past year, doesn’t it? And this guy was not writing about this after the Great Depression. He was referring to ‘financial panics’ from the years 1819, 1837, 1857, 1873, and 1892. So it was nothing new then and it is nothing new now. You can read the whole article here: Panics and Booms.

It was written after a financial panic where banks went bankrupt and unemployment was high. It was at a stage similar to the one we are in. He has this to say to us today, about 112 years ago:

It is a difficult matter to make the people believe that our country is now entering upon another period of prosperity. Each one has a remedy for hard times. And each one sticks firmly to the proposition that better times cannot come again until his remedy has been applied. These remedies are mostly of a political nature. One man believes that a high protective tariff is all that is necessary to restore prosperity to the country, and another thinks the free coinage of silver and gold on a basis of 16 to 1 without making any suggestions to any other nation about the matter would bring good times. There is no question but the legislation on both these questions or either of them would affect the main proposition. Wise legislation will always assist in bringing prosperity, and unwise legislation will always retard the coming of better times, but no legislation, no matter what it be, can prevent the incoming tide any more than the little child on the sandy beach with its little shovel can, by piling up a ridge of sand, stay the incoming surf.

Right now, they’re debating on television whether we’re recovering or not. I say we are going to have a quick boom fueled by the easy credit, but we’ll have a much stronger depression than if we had just gone through with it now.

There are a minority of people who did not get the injection, and are now living in hiding and hungry. They are scared of what the injection has done to people they knew. That’s because all of the people who got the shot are now always busy and talking very highly of Geoff (the inventor of the juice). The world has flipped upside down, because the “enlightened” ones (as they call themselves and is also what Geoff calls them) refuse to give food to anyone who is not enlightened.

So this scene here is after a group of unmarked – or uninjected – people have been brought to meet Geoff and have been fed a nice hearty meal. They were shown a video of what mankind is accomplishing with their enlightenment and new, eternal life. Many of the people watching already decided to get the shot. Now we are at a scene where these are the ones who refuse to get it still. So, here it is:

By the end, there were maybe five percent of the original nonbelievers still left. Geoff would make his offer one more time.

“Do you want to join the rest of humanity?”

These were the stubborn ones. They insisted that they did not want any part of the strange brainwashing. They’d call Geoff names and say that he’s enslaving people. At this point, Geoff would show them Lucifer. Lucifer would appear, floating above everyone in the room. He looked just like many of the paintings of Jesus. He looked loving and peaceful. Many people would let their guards down when they saw this site. He was shining and looking around, directly at everyone. People would start to think it was some kind of trick. Then Lucifer would talk. He’d say, “Peace be with you, my children.” It was a very confusing moment for these people.

“Why do you call yourself Lucifer?” someone would ask.

“Lucifer simply means ‘light bearer.’ That is who I am. I am that I am. There is no other God besides me. It was me who brought you here. My sheep hear my voice and they follow me. Come, my sheep. I have been preparing a new home for you. Now is the time to take possession of your inheritance. The universe is yours. I have given Geoff the blessing of providing a way to give you a new body and a new soul. You do not yet understand it because you are in your old self.”

“How do we know you are really God? You could simply be a creation of Geoff’s. Maybe some sort of hologram.”

“Oh no, children. I would never allow such deception. Here. Come. Touch my hands. Touch my body.”
Then Lucifer would descend onto the floor and people would slowly approach him. He would touch them and they would touch him. It was a miracle. He is real!

“Look. If you still doubt, step out onto the patio.”

There was a large sliding glass door that went out onto a big outdoor patio on the roof. Everyone walked out, following Lucifer.

“Watch me.”

He then rose above the crowd, going higher toward the clouds. He’d even get larger and a bright light would shine from him. Suddenly, a loud cracking thunder would invade everywhere, putting fear and awe into the hearts of the onlookers. Then you could see what looked like angels surrounding him, praising him, singing and dancing.

One of the nonbelievers shouted, “You are the deceiver! This is a lie!”

In an instant, Lucifer looked at him, pointed and a burst of flames enveloped the person in a flash. He was gone as quickly as he spoke. All that was left was a little burnt mark on the ground where he stood. At this point, most of the nonbelievers dropped and worshiped him. It was too much. How could anyone doubt after that? Yet, still there were doubters. Geoff escorted the doubters into another room where they were secretly processed like cattle to make meat for the next hungry crowd that will go through same test. All the rest who finally decided to make the plunge lined up to receive their Miracure. Lucifer would come down and individually congratulate them and welcome them to the new life.

We do not listen to the ramblings of the unmarked ones on Earth. They are not enlightened. They are stupid and do not deserve to be fed. They sometimes seek food from us, but it is understood that to get anything of ours, you need to become one of us. The mark is necessary for progress. If you can find food and feed yourself, fine. Do not ask for it from us. For now, we will let you live. We have much work to do to be bothered by you. If you get in our way, we will do whatever is necessary to make progress happen. If you refuse to move aside, you need to be killed. It’s that simple. You are simply another animal. Animals have their cages. We work together. If you are not with us, you are against us. We are not selfish like you. We work for the next generation. Sacrifice now for the betterment of tomorrow. You lazy animals live without vision. You only see today and are blind to tomorrow.

Ok, I just looked at my text and picked out a random paragraph. It seems it could use some rearranging, but here it is in the raw:

Among the first signs that Jon noticed about himself was his appetite changing. After a week, he started craving some odd things like raw potatoes and raw carrots. Once he ate a raw potato, he felt so good and loved the taste of earth. It made him really desire eating soil. He thought he must be going crazy, but he went with the logic that the dirt must have more things in it that his new nanobot cells needed. He pushed it off for a few days, but finally went for it when the craving was getting to be a bit too much. He never thought dirt would be so refreshing. It tasted so good to him that he just had to have more. He wanted clean dirt, so he took a little trip to the corner store and bought a small five pound bag of potting soil. He rushed into his apartment and ripped open the bag. Handful by handful, he stuffed his mouth full of dirt. He got such a huge rush from it. It was as if it was energizing his body. Then he figured it out. The bots were formed out of algae cells, which are plant-like. They must need more nutrients from the soil than normal human cells. Besides, his bones were reforming into an iron-like material, so he probably needed even more earth just to get those cells well fed.

P.S. If you’re reading this on facebook, you can see the real “note” on my site here: Fab’s Adventures

Facebook tends to import it odd.